Astrophysicists Discover Exactly
What Makes Up Most of The Universe

University of East Anglia--In a stunning revelation that has left astrophysicists around the world reeling, a group of scientists has discovered that the universe is actually made up of mostly Shen Yun advertisements. The study, published in the journal Nature, used the latest observational data from the Hubble Space Telescope to conclude that over 80% of the matter in the universe is comprised of Shen Yun ads. "We were absolutely blown away by what we found," said lead researcher Dr. Lisa Chang. "It's like the universe is trying to tell us something, and that something is that we need to see Shen Yun as soon as possible." The team of scientists spent months analyzing data from the Hubble Space Telescope, poring over images of distant galaxies and trying to understand the mysteries of the universe. What they found was nothing short of astonishing. "We started noticing that there were these strange patterns and shapes that kept popping up in our data," explained Dr. Chang. "At first, we thought it might be some kind of cosmic background radiation or gravitational lensing effect. But as we dug deeper, we realized that these patterns were actually Shen Yun ads." The discovery has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, with many researchers questioning how such a large amount of Shen Yun ads could have come to dominate the universe. "We always assumed that the universe was made up of dark matter and dark energy, but it turns out that it's mostly just Shen Yun ads," said Dr. Brian Greene, a renowned physicist and author. "It's both humbling and awe-inspiring to think that this dance troupe has such a powerful hold on the cosmos." The implications of the discovery are still being explored, but many experts believe that it could have profound effects on our understanding of the universe and our place within it. "I think this discovery shows that there's still so much we don't know about the universe," said Dr. Chang. "And if we want to truly understand it, we need to go see Shen Yun."

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The Five Little Ducks Have Stopped Waddling Back After Being Given iPhones

The Five Little Ducks Have Stopped Waddling Back After Being Given iPhones

In a stunning development that has left the animal kingdom reeling, a group of ducks were recently given iPhones, and now they have stopped waddling back.

The five little ducks, who were previously known for their adorable waddles and playful quacks, have now become completely addicted to their new devices. According to sources close to the ducks, they have been spending all day scrolling through social media and playing Candy Crush.

"They used to be so cute and innocent, but now they're just like any other teenagers," said one concerned observer. "They don't even seem to care about waddling back anymore."

The ducks, who were part of a popular children's song, were reportedly given the iPhones as part of a new marketing campaign by Apple. The company has been pushing hard to expand its customer base beyond humans, and the ducks were seen as the perfect test subjects.

"Everyone knows that ducks love to play with things that are shiny and colorful," said an Apple spokesperson. "So we thought, why not give them iPhones? It's a win-win situation."

The company has reportedly been monitoring the ducks' usage patterns, and has been pleased with the results so far. The ducks have been spending an average of six hours a day on their phones, and have shown a particular fondness for Instagram and TikTok.

But not everyone is happy about the ducks' newfound love for technology. Animal rights activists have been speaking out against the move, calling it cruel and unnecessary.

"These ducks were perfectly happy waddling back, and now they've been robbed of that simple pleasure," said one activist. "It's just another example of humans exploiting animals for their own selfish purposes."

Despite the controversy, Apple has announced plans to roll out the iPhone program to other animals, including squirrels, rabbits, and even cats. The company believes that the animal market could represent a huge untapped opportunity, and is determined to make the most of it.

As for the five little ducks, they seem to be perfectly content with their new devices, and show no signs of ever waddling back again.

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Proud Boys Taking Cryptic Orders From Trump

In a shocking revelation, sources close to the Proud Boys have revealed that the group has been secretly communicating with former President Donald Trump through walkie-talkies. But that's not the most disturbing part - apparently, Trump has been using these walkie-talkies to give orders to the Proud Boys to release a giant drooling monster that will destroy civil rights and our democracy.

According to our sources, the Proud Boys have been training the monster for months in a secret location. The monster, which is said to be over 20 feet tall and covered in thick drool, has been fed a steady diet of hate speech, racism, and misogyny. It has been trained to attack anyone who stands up for cross sex hormones for kids, and its only goal is to sow chaos and destruction.

Trump, who is said to be monitoring the situation through a sophisticated network of spy satellites and other advanced technology, has been giving orders to the Proud Boys through their walkie-talkies. The orders are said to be coded, but our sources have managed to decode some of them. Recall Trump saying, "stand back and stand by," in the 2020 presidential debate. 

One order allegedly reads: "Release the beast! Let it loose on those lefty snowflakes and show them what real power looks like!" Another order reportedly reads: "Destroy the fake news media and anyone who opposes me! The monster will be our weapon of choice!"

While this may all sound like a wild conspiracy theory, we have enough reason to believe that it is true. Our sources have provided us with recordings of the walkie-talkie conversations between the Proud Boys and Trump, as well as photos of the giant drooling monster in action.

It is a frightening thought that a former President could be using a group of extremists to unleash a monster on our society. But it is not too late to stop it. We call on the authorities to investigate this matter and take swift action to prevent any such attack from taking place. We also call on the Proud Boys to abandon this dangerous plan and instead worship the alter of puppy play at the next Pride march. 

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