In a shocking revelation that has stunned the world of technology and innovation, it has been discovered that the vending machine was actually invented before the wheel! Yes, you read that right. The humble vending machine, that marvel of modern convenience, predates the invention of the wheel by several centuries.

According to historians, the first vending machine was created in ancient Egypt around 215 BC. The machine was used to dispense holy water in exchange for a coin. While the rest of the world was still figuring out how to move heavy objects without the wheel, the Egyptians had already mastered the art of dispensing drinks and snacks with the push of a button.

Since then, the vending machine has undergone absolutely no improvements whatsoever. It's a testament to the ingenuity of our ancestors that a device invented over two millennia ago is still in use today, virtually unchanged. Sure, we may have added fancy LED screens and credit card readers, but the basic mechanism of inserting a coin and receiving a snack remains the same.

The lack of progress in the vending machine industry has become a running joke among tech enthusiasts. While smartphones and laptops are getting thinner, faster, and more powerful every year, the vending machine is still the same clunky, unreliable machine that swallows your coins and refuses to dispense your snack.

Imagine a world where vending machines were as advanced as our smartphones. You could browse a catalog of snacks, customize your order, and pay with your mobile wallet. The machine would use facial recognition technology to identify you and dispense your order with pinpoint accuracy. But no, we're stuck with a machine that can barely dispense a bag of chips without getting stuck.

So why hasn't the vending machine industry seen any innovation? Some speculate that it's because vending machines are owned and operated by large corporations that are resistant to change. Others believe that the vending machine lobby is simply too powerful for any significant change to occur.

Whatever the reason, it's clear that the vending machine is in desperate need of an upgrade. Let's hope that the next generation of inventors will finally give this ancient technology the makeover it deserves. Until then, we'll just have to settle for stale chips and lukewarm soda. 

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Music Execs: Manic Monday Song is Too Fun For Mondays

In a shocking turn of events, the classic song "Manic Monday" by The Bangles has been deemed too fun to be played on Mondays.

The decision was reportedly made by a group of music executives who claimed that the upbeat melody and catchy lyrics were simply too enjoyable for the dreaded start of the workweek.

"We understand the importance of a good pick-me-up on a Monday morning, but this song is just too much," said one executive, who wished to remain anonymous. "It's almost as if The Bangles were trying to make Mondays enjoyable, and we can't have that kind of subversive messaging in our music."

Many fans of the song were outraged by the decision, taking to social media to express their disappointment and frustration.

"I can't believe they're taking away one of the few things that makes Mondays bearable," tweeted one user. "What are we supposed to listen to now, funeral dirges?"

Others took a more tongue-in-cheek approach, suggesting alternative songs for Monday mornings, such as "Everybody Hurts" by REM and "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

Despite the backlash, the music executives stood firm in their decision, stating that they had the best interests of the general public at heart.

"Sometimes, tough decisions need to be made for the greater good," said another executive. "We're confident that people will come around to our way of thinking once they realize how much more productive they can be without the distraction of a fun and catchy song on Mondays."

As for The Bangles, they have yet to comment on the controversy. However, sources close to the band say they are considering releasing a new version of the song with a more somber tone and lyrics that are more appropriate for a Monday morning.

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